It’s time we talked about how wild it is to be a pedestrian in GTA 5

Down in the docklands of Los Santos, where the last threads of the freeway are teased apart before reaching the ocean, there’s an unassuming building that serves as the clubhouse for the local chapter of the Lost. There, guarded by her chaptermates, is Angel Kenney – whose rap sheet includes theft, stalking, harassment, extortion, vehicular manslaughter, and at least one charge of drunk and disorderly. “That last one sounds fun,” drawls Bottom Dollar Bounty handler Jenette. “‘cept it led to the one before it.”

The arrest becomes tricky the moment we step inside. The tight, jagged angles of the clubhouse make it a deathtrap, full of nooks that could easily hide a perp with a shotgun. My fellow bail enforcement officer trains her weapon on a door, and asks me to open it.

A simple nudge would have sufficed. Just a slight bump to pump those hinges and expose the armed bikers in the next room. Instead, as I push forward and then back on the thumbstick, my avatar swans through the portal into the firing line, pulling off a glacial 360 degree spin. Imagine Grandpa Simpson in the famous gif—slowly plucking his fedora from the hatstand as he rotates in the lobby of the burlesque house—only under a hail of submachine gun fire. My super heavy body armour is immediately shredded. It’s the opposite of Rainbow Six: less breach and clear, more breach oh-dear. It’s also standard fare for anyone getting to grips with the not-so-simple act of walking around in GTA Online.